Domesticated.

I've never taken my ability to be a stay at home mom for granted. I have always taken it as a very serious job and I do my best everyday. Anyone who has been in my home knows I keep it clean. Always. A few friends have commented that they would "probably eat a meal in my bathroom"....I take pride in my home, and my "job". While I am NO WHERE NEAR perfect, I strive for it. I cook and clean, I help my husband, my kids, my dogs, and my friends. I will always be this person. 
This has just become second nature. I learn new things every day and I get bored easily. I have recently been going a little crazy in between trying to find a job for specific hours, and trying to find things to do at home..I got tired of the same ol' same ol'...so I started a little more (as my husband called it) "domestication." I have always been able to cook, bake, and do other DIY projects I just don't do the baking and projects as often as I should. 

I have found that I am much happier when I bake and project. I feel like I accomplished so much more during the day, I feel like I am making my family happy, and I feel like I haven't wasted an entire day. 

The last week I redecorated my downstairs for only 20 dollars. A few minor changes, a friend who was getting rid of some household items, some motivation and creativity...my living room and dining room look brand new. 

Then I moved on to the project of re-doing my dining table and chairs. I reupholstered and painted. What a great project. I had great conversations with my friend "B". We laughed, cursed, and thought of many other projects we could do. My next project is throw pillows to finalize the living room...its really the only things missing...that and I think I need some sheer curtains to go in the middle of the curtains I put up!

Now I've started my attempt at making bread again. It's been YEARS since I have made bread and I definitely struggled in that area my entire domesticated life. I don't know why- I just have. 

But what better way to get better at something than to practice. I made my first "easy" loaf of bread....1. It's triple the size its supposed to be. 2. It never really "rose" 3. Its so dense. 
 It does taste good....so I'm happy with the flavor. 

Next, I moved on to cinnamon rolls. My family LOVES cinnamon rolls. But it's so much cheaper to make a batch versus buying them.....their rising...well their supposed to be....I'm starting to wonder why I decided to dabble in the bread department. 

However, I did make homemade lemon squares and they are WONDERFUL!!!!! And my table project turned out AMAZING!!!!! So I have a lot to be proud of!! This bread is just kicking my tail. 

I'm getting bored being home considering my youngest is in school now, I am working on my 2nd Bachelors (but the work is too easy)....It's time for me to get a job. Or get serious about getting in shape. Either way...I'm making improvements in myself- making myself a better mother and a better housewife...once I conquer this bread making I will feel complete and will have to find a new challenge.

Until then...I'm going to watch paint dry, and watch bread rise...

success is a rough journey!

Yesterday, H and I ran our 1.65 miles. We did it in 17:00...not great but not running for a couple months we did great!

We motivated each other. She wont let me stop and I keep going faster to make sure she keeps up.

The afternoon we joined mu husband for some navy type pt. I forgot to restart my calorie counter so I am.not sure what it was for burn ...I know my muscles were burning!!!

Today we did insanity pure cardio again. I layed on the floor in a puddle of sweat,  swallowed my throw up and just couldn't get up. We really pushed through that workout. There wasn't room.for talking because we were both working so hard and sweating and barely breathing, and pushing we didn't have any thing else to say!!!

We are switching insanity to the morning so we have more energy.  And going to run and kettlebell in the afternoon. Insanity is going to give us amazing results we need to be able to give it more. I think I might switch over to MAX insanity...you think H will notice?

I have been drinking lots more water up until I fall asleep...and I have been staying on top of my school work better than ever. I still need to work on my eating habits. Not horrible. But no great! I have a two pound weight loss goal to reach this week,  I have to get my head right!!!!

How have y'all been!?

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I have to figure it out

I took the weekend off from working out. Instead I made sure I stayed on top of housework. I didnt drink any alcohol.
I knew that my eating over the weekend was going to set me back, but if I at least continued to drink water, and stay active cleaning my house, I wouldnt feel as bad.

Today, instead of driving to a meeting I had, I walked. I let Xoey ride her bike. It felt good, except it never feels like exercise when Im carrying my purse!

This afternoon a good friend "H" messages me and asks if I am doing Insanity this afternoon, OF COURSE! I have someone willing to come to my house and workout.

Today, we suffered through Pure Cardio. This is by far the toughest workouts on the insanity DVDs. If any of you have experienced this workout you will know why I threw up in my mouth 3 times and had to walk away a couple more.

But I succeeded. Having "H" there to support me and motivate me definitely helped. If I saw her keep going, I did too! If she stopped or slowed down, I barked some words to her. I am not sure what I said or what sounds I made because all I could hear was my heavy breathing and my heartbeat.

Of course I slipped a few times in my own sweat. GROSS. I know. But I had to add that in there. I LOVE to sweat! I always feel like Im working so much harder!

"H" and I decided that we would go running in the morning before she has to work. This works out great because the time will be before my day actually gets started and before it gets too hot outside. (I know its January folks, what can I say....Florida didnt get the memo.)

There is this strong sense of accomplishment in todays workout. I dont know if it just feels great to workout after taking the weekend off or having that companion to work out...by my side. It just felt good.

My husband got home AFTER we did the workout, so he decided to do his own workout this afternoon...I'm a little disappointed in him, but hey...its his decision.

We are going on a walk together. Hopefully that will be nice.

Now, aside from the working out, I decided to write this blog to kind of vent whats going on in my head.
There are very FEW people in my life who can affect me emotionally and mentally. When I say VERY FEW I literally mean....maybe 3.
Those 3 people can say things to me and turn my entire world upside down. They can say things and make me feel completely useless.

Its those 3 people that can ruin everything I am. Everything I have become. and everything I worked so hard for.

I cant seem to shake the things they say to me or to others, I cant let go of how they made me feel. I actually have multiple panic attacks in reference to those 3 people everytime it happens.
You are probably wondering "why dont you just get rid of those people"
I cant!! Those 3 people are the most important people in my life.
I think that may be the cause of those hard feelings.

I look at my life and who I am now. As I mentioned on Facebook, no one is perfect ...but there are certain people who intentionally point out those flaws.

Did I think when I was a little girl or a young woman graduating from high school that I would be a stay at home mom/student, did I think I would get married then divorced then married? Did I think I would be a step mom? Did I think I would hurt so many people? Did I know where I would be in 10 years?
All of these paths I have chosen in my life were just MY DECISIONS. I suffer enough from stupid decisions everyday. I suffer from wanting to be something more and want more from those around me.
I want to be loved. I want to be noticed. I want to be appreciated.
I dont know how to get those things anymore. I dont know how to speak exactly what I feel and I dont know how to get those "3" people to UNDERSTAND ME!

Im hurting a lot inside. And I dont know how to fix it..but for now, I will fix it through work outs. and schooling.

Epic Fail or Overcoming minds battles?

Yesterday I decided it was a great day to steam clean my carpets and furniture. I rented a carpet cleaner, ran all my errands and then came back to the house to get started. Thankfully I only have carpet upstairs.
I turned on my heart rate monitor and got started. I got the rest of the house clean, laundry done, walked the dogs..ran up and down the stairs TOO many times. By the time 3:30 rolled around I had burned 1775 calories. And I still hadnt done insanity.
As I waited for my hubby to come home, I got tired. More and more tired.
When he walked in the door, I said ...Im not doing insanity today. Im exhausted! He was tired too.
So we didnt.
I sat for the rest of the evening wondered if I failed or if the housecleaning workout was enough for me. I decided that my body knows best.
I wasnt going to be upset with myself because I didnt do insanity, I just chose another workout for the day.

I got up this morning ready to start the day....I jumped on the scale and lo and behold....I lost 6 pounds this week!?

How in the ?!
I tried not to get too excited, but I cant help it. I did really well eating and drinking this week and I stayed moving around all day, everyday.

I didnt drink anything last night (liquor or beer) I did however drink a coke. It sounded so good. And it was. I drank HALF of one and then drank 2 bottles of water.

I feel great today after I got on that scale. I have been moving around all day long.

I know this next week is going to be great. Im going to incorporate running this week. Start off with a simple mile and work up as the days progress.

Shock that body

Yesterday was supposed to be "cardio recovery" but I felt like I needed to change it up a little bit. So we threw in the Kettlebell Cardio dvd. Instead of starting with 10 pounds I bumped it up to 15. I really wanted to wake up some of those muscles that havent been working very hard in the last few weeks.
There were a few moments where I thought I would just have to quit, but I had to keep going. I was able to make it through the 3 sets and I felt great. I worked up a great sweat and felt good about my workout.

I made chili for dinner and made some smart choices. I usually put my chili over a huge serving of rice. But instead I used a tbsp of rice.
I made the chili with a lil bit more spice, spices help your metabolism.
I did however drink a snapple fruit punch....Big Mistake! I was cussing at myself all day and the sugar in that thing just weighed me down. I felt like WHY would I choose to drink this? I have been enjoying drinking water, and it makes me feel so good...But, i bounced back and drank more water than usual the rest of the afternoon.

Today is PURE CARDIO! No breaks---just balls to the wall cardio. This is my favorite. I feel confident about the workout because the only thing thats really sore on me today is my left calf muscle!?
I think its because I still over compensate from my ankle injury.

As Shaun T would say "DIG DEEPER"
I have this week, and I hope you have too!!!!!

Remember.....WATER, WATER, WATER!!!!

How have your workouts been this week?

Conquering not surrendering!

Day 2 Insanity.
Cardio Circuit. This is my least favorite in all of the workouts for Insanity. The Power Jumps, the moving push ups, the floor sprints...I hate them all.
I started off strong, and towards the middle my mind wandered into something completely different. The song went from Avenged Sevenfold to Maxwell! I was thinking about my relationship with my husband, thinking about mistakes I make, how out of shape I am, how much I hated the fact my heart rate was up so high.
I slowed down the minute I started doubting myself. I can see myself in the reflection on the entertainment center. I was barely moving. My mind took over my entire body.

Once I realized this, I got back into it. I did what Shaun T always says to do "DIG DEEPER". I changed my mentality quickly and focused on pushing myself further and achieving greatness no matter how much it hurt.
I almost threw up a few times. I had to walk it out. I reached the end of the workout without giving up. Its all I wanted to do.
I burned over 2,000 calories yesterday, and I made smart choices in my eating. I only drank 2 cups of coffee and the rest was water.

I realized that there is so much power in your mind.If I can keep my mind busy on the right things I can achieve greatness in a workout.
 I rely heavily on music while I workout. The music is what drives me. I can focus on workout out to the beat, or hitting it hard while the guitarist jams out. I do much better with rock music than I do with R&B. Usually I need this when I need to really push it.
Techno keeps me pumped up, like if Im running.

I guess I need to keep my thoughts in check while Im working out. At least until I am in better shape. I need to be able to stay focused on the workout itself. Going harder, and reaching my goals.

The mind is a powerful thing. I just have to learn how to control it!