This photo is actually from our visit to Ohio.. The first night we were there, I asked Chelsea if we could borrow RockBand. It really is the best game ever. Unfortunately all my brothers and my kids are drum hogs so I had to sing.My dads mouth is open because when he walked in the door I wanted to sing one of his favorite songs from when I was growing up. Its a song from Epic. I was completely messing around and trying to make him laugh and smile. I always had a way of doing that to my family.
The time in Ohio was perfect. I really find myself settling in a bit too comfortably. Its really the one place where I completely free myself of everything and just relax. There were a few moments of course where angry Channon came out. But it was just me being a B****. My dad said to me "Why dont you smile, just smile for me you are so much prettier when you smile and you are so much fun to be around"
I really need to take my dads advice. I have become such an angry, bitter person. I dont exactly know what happened. I find myself getting worse and worse. Its almost like I have no control over my emotions. Like I have to force myself to act a certain way. Im robotic. If something is funny I have to force myself to laugh. If something is amazing I have to force myself to put on that surprised face. Again, I dont know what happened. Most of the people who have known me from childhood to about 3 years ago know me as what kind of person? Funny, happy, outgoing, caring etc.....But if I met someone now, they would probably say I was angry, discouraged, negative and introverted.
J asked me if I wanted to go somewhere for the superbowl. i found myself quickly responding with WHY? We have a tv right here. He asked if I wanted to socialize and when I was going to make friends...I told him Im not! I have enough to do everyday, I dont need friends in the middle of all of it.
Now, I start to think its because of this huge transition to Florida. But, its not. i have been like this for quite sometime.
Even my dad noticed in the tone of my voice.
Could it be the negative hell I went through during my divorce. Could some of the things the ex said to me, implanted into my brain subconsciously?
J is great to me. We have awesome kids. We have a lot of fun. But everytime, the wrong emotion comes out of me. Why cant I control my emotions?
i havent cried in quite some time...I just dont. Again, the wrong emotion comes out and it causes more harm than good.
I have to ask myself if I need a professional opinion....maybe there is a screw loose? But, why would I need a doctor help me express my emotions properly?
I wake up each day and tell myself that Im going to make today a new day. Im going to be the Channon that everyone knew.
But each day is a harder struggle than the last. I feel myself failing more and more each day. The goal gets further away.
Even J says " I want the OLD Channon back. The one I met in 2000, the one I started hanging with in 2007, the one I married"
What happened to me?
I have to tell myself I will get through this......everyday that passes is another day closer to losing my husband. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and that wall is pissing me off. No matter what I do....the wall makes me angry.
I need to break down the wall. but I dont even know how to start!
Wow... i dont mean to sound cliche, but as i was reading this, i felt as if i wrote it. I have the same problem. No matter what i do, i have to think about my emotional response. ill be at work, ready to come home,happy, get here, and be angry with Rob for absolutely no reason. then we argue for an hour or two. I will just be sitting there, and just like you said, Rob will ask me a question and ill just kind of snap for no apparent reason. I think it may have to do with our ex's saying the things they did, and the way it all ended. We are incredibly self-confident Rice women, and we just lost that somewhere in the mix. I'm right there with you asking myself, Do i need help? Whats wrong with me? why cant i let things slide off my shoulders like they used to. Rob says the same thing too. Where's the Chelsea I met. The carefree, down for whatever, happy Chelsea? I really think that just makes it worse. lol It's a huge brick wall and I wish to overcome it, for the sake of my own happiness. You're not alone, seeester.
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