Domesticated.

I've never taken my ability to be a stay at home mom for granted. I have always taken it as a very serious job and I do my best everyday. Anyone who has been in my home knows I keep it clean. Always. A few friends have commented that they would "probably eat a meal in my bathroom"....I take pride in my home, and my "job". While I am NO WHERE NEAR perfect, I strive for it. I cook and clean, I help my husband, my kids, my dogs, and my friends. I will always be this person. 
This has just become second nature. I learn new things every day and I get bored easily. I have recently been going a little crazy in between trying to find a job for specific hours, and trying to find things to do at home..I got tired of the same ol' same ol'...so I started a little more (as my husband called it) "domestication." I have always been able to cook, bake, and do other DIY projects I just don't do the baking and projects as often as I should. 

I have found that I am much happier when I bake and project. I feel like I accomplished so much more during the day, I feel like I am making my family happy, and I feel like I haven't wasted an entire day. 

The last week I redecorated my downstairs for only 20 dollars. A few minor changes, a friend who was getting rid of some household items, some motivation and creativity...my living room and dining room look brand new. 

Then I moved on to the project of re-doing my dining table and chairs. I reupholstered and painted. What a great project. I had great conversations with my friend "B". We laughed, cursed, and thought of many other projects we could do. My next project is throw pillows to finalize the living room...its really the only things missing...that and I think I need some sheer curtains to go in the middle of the curtains I put up!

Now I've started my attempt at making bread again. It's been YEARS since I have made bread and I definitely struggled in that area my entire domesticated life. I don't know why- I just have. 

But what better way to get better at something than to practice. I made my first "easy" loaf of bread....1. It's triple the size its supposed to be. 2. It never really "rose" 3. Its so dense. 
 It does taste good....so I'm happy with the flavor. 

Next, I moved on to cinnamon rolls. My family LOVES cinnamon rolls. But it's so much cheaper to make a batch versus buying them.....their rising...well their supposed to be....I'm starting to wonder why I decided to dabble in the bread department. 

However, I did make homemade lemon squares and they are WONDERFUL!!!!! And my table project turned out AMAZING!!!!! So I have a lot to be proud of!! This bread is just kicking my tail. 

I'm getting bored being home considering my youngest is in school now, I am working on my 2nd Bachelors (but the work is too easy)....It's time for me to get a job. Or get serious about getting in shape. Either way...I'm making improvements in myself- making myself a better mother and a better housewife...once I conquer this bread making I will feel complete and will have to find a new challenge.

Until then...I'm going to watch paint dry, and watch bread rise...

success is a rough journey!

Yesterday, H and I ran our 1.65 miles. We did it in 17:00...not great but not running for a couple months we did great!

We motivated each other. She wont let me stop and I keep going faster to make sure she keeps up.

The afternoon we joined mu husband for some navy type pt. I forgot to restart my calorie counter so I am.not sure what it was for burn ...I know my muscles were burning!!!

Today we did insanity pure cardio again. I layed on the floor in a puddle of sweat,  swallowed my throw up and just couldn't get up. We really pushed through that workout. There wasn't room.for talking because we were both working so hard and sweating and barely breathing, and pushing we didn't have any thing else to say!!!

We are switching insanity to the morning so we have more energy.  And going to run and kettlebell in the afternoon. Insanity is going to give us amazing results we need to be able to give it more. I think I might switch over to MAX insanity...you think H will notice?

I have been drinking lots more water up until I fall asleep...and I have been staying on top of my school work better than ever. I still need to work on my eating habits. Not horrible. But no great! I have a two pound weight loss goal to reach this week,  I have to get my head right!!!!

How have y'all been!?

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I have to figure it out

I took the weekend off from working out. Instead I made sure I stayed on top of housework. I didnt drink any alcohol.
I knew that my eating over the weekend was going to set me back, but if I at least continued to drink water, and stay active cleaning my house, I wouldnt feel as bad.

Today, instead of driving to a meeting I had, I walked. I let Xoey ride her bike. It felt good, except it never feels like exercise when Im carrying my purse!

This afternoon a good friend "H" messages me and asks if I am doing Insanity this afternoon, OF COURSE! I have someone willing to come to my house and workout.

Today, we suffered through Pure Cardio. This is by far the toughest workouts on the insanity DVDs. If any of you have experienced this workout you will know why I threw up in my mouth 3 times and had to walk away a couple more.

But I succeeded. Having "H" there to support me and motivate me definitely helped. If I saw her keep going, I did too! If she stopped or slowed down, I barked some words to her. I am not sure what I said or what sounds I made because all I could hear was my heavy breathing and my heartbeat.

Of course I slipped a few times in my own sweat. GROSS. I know. But I had to add that in there. I LOVE to sweat! I always feel like Im working so much harder!

"H" and I decided that we would go running in the morning before she has to work. This works out great because the time will be before my day actually gets started and before it gets too hot outside. (I know its January folks, what can I say....Florida didnt get the memo.)

There is this strong sense of accomplishment in todays workout. I dont know if it just feels great to workout after taking the weekend off or having that companion to work out...by my side. It just felt good.

My husband got home AFTER we did the workout, so he decided to do his own workout this afternoon...I'm a little disappointed in him, but hey...its his decision.

We are going on a walk together. Hopefully that will be nice.

Now, aside from the working out, I decided to write this blog to kind of vent whats going on in my head.
There are very FEW people in my life who can affect me emotionally and mentally. When I say VERY FEW I literally mean....maybe 3.
Those 3 people can say things to me and turn my entire world upside down. They can say things and make me feel completely useless.

Its those 3 people that can ruin everything I am. Everything I have become. and everything I worked so hard for.

I cant seem to shake the things they say to me or to others, I cant let go of how they made me feel. I actually have multiple panic attacks in reference to those 3 people everytime it happens.
You are probably wondering "why dont you just get rid of those people"
I cant!! Those 3 people are the most important people in my life.
I think that may be the cause of those hard feelings.

I look at my life and who I am now. As I mentioned on Facebook, no one is perfect ...but there are certain people who intentionally point out those flaws.

Did I think when I was a little girl or a young woman graduating from high school that I would be a stay at home mom/student, did I think I would get married then divorced then married? Did I think I would be a step mom? Did I think I would hurt so many people? Did I know where I would be in 10 years?
All of these paths I have chosen in my life were just MY DECISIONS. I suffer enough from stupid decisions everyday. I suffer from wanting to be something more and want more from those around me.
I want to be loved. I want to be noticed. I want to be appreciated.
I dont know how to get those things anymore. I dont know how to speak exactly what I feel and I dont know how to get those "3" people to UNDERSTAND ME!

Im hurting a lot inside. And I dont know how to fix it..but for now, I will fix it through work outs. and schooling.

Epic Fail or Overcoming minds battles?

Yesterday I decided it was a great day to steam clean my carpets and furniture. I rented a carpet cleaner, ran all my errands and then came back to the house to get started. Thankfully I only have carpet upstairs.
I turned on my heart rate monitor and got started. I got the rest of the house clean, laundry done, walked the dogs..ran up and down the stairs TOO many times. By the time 3:30 rolled around I had burned 1775 calories. And I still hadnt done insanity.
As I waited for my hubby to come home, I got tired. More and more tired.
When he walked in the door, I said ...Im not doing insanity today. Im exhausted! He was tired too.
So we didnt.
I sat for the rest of the evening wondered if I failed or if the housecleaning workout was enough for me. I decided that my body knows best.
I wasnt going to be upset with myself because I didnt do insanity, I just chose another workout for the day.

I got up this morning ready to start the day....I jumped on the scale and lo and behold....I lost 6 pounds this week!?

How in the ?!
I tried not to get too excited, but I cant help it. I did really well eating and drinking this week and I stayed moving around all day, everyday.

I didnt drink anything last night (liquor or beer) I did however drink a coke. It sounded so good. And it was. I drank HALF of one and then drank 2 bottles of water.

I feel great today after I got on that scale. I have been moving around all day long.

I know this next week is going to be great. Im going to incorporate running this week. Start off with a simple mile and work up as the days progress.

Shock that body

Yesterday was supposed to be "cardio recovery" but I felt like I needed to change it up a little bit. So we threw in the Kettlebell Cardio dvd. Instead of starting with 10 pounds I bumped it up to 15. I really wanted to wake up some of those muscles that havent been working very hard in the last few weeks.
There were a few moments where I thought I would just have to quit, but I had to keep going. I was able to make it through the 3 sets and I felt great. I worked up a great sweat and felt good about my workout.

I made chili for dinner and made some smart choices. I usually put my chili over a huge serving of rice. But instead I used a tbsp of rice.
I made the chili with a lil bit more spice, spices help your metabolism.
I did however drink a snapple fruit punch....Big Mistake! I was cussing at myself all day and the sugar in that thing just weighed me down. I felt like WHY would I choose to drink this? I have been enjoying drinking water, and it makes me feel so good...But, i bounced back and drank more water than usual the rest of the afternoon.

Today is PURE CARDIO! No breaks---just balls to the wall cardio. This is my favorite. I feel confident about the workout because the only thing thats really sore on me today is my left calf muscle!?
I think its because I still over compensate from my ankle injury.

As Shaun T would say "DIG DEEPER"
I have this week, and I hope you have too!!!!!

Remember.....WATER, WATER, WATER!!!!

How have your workouts been this week?

Conquering not surrendering!

Day 2 Insanity.
Cardio Circuit. This is my least favorite in all of the workouts for Insanity. The Power Jumps, the moving push ups, the floor sprints...I hate them all.
I started off strong, and towards the middle my mind wandered into something completely different. The song went from Avenged Sevenfold to Maxwell! I was thinking about my relationship with my husband, thinking about mistakes I make, how out of shape I am, how much I hated the fact my heart rate was up so high.
I slowed down the minute I started doubting myself. I can see myself in the reflection on the entertainment center. I was barely moving. My mind took over my entire body.

Once I realized this, I got back into it. I did what Shaun T always says to do "DIG DEEPER". I changed my mentality quickly and focused on pushing myself further and achieving greatness no matter how much it hurt.
I almost threw up a few times. I had to walk it out. I reached the end of the workout without giving up. Its all I wanted to do.
I burned over 2,000 calories yesterday, and I made smart choices in my eating. I only drank 2 cups of coffee and the rest was water.

I realized that there is so much power in your mind.If I can keep my mind busy on the right things I can achieve greatness in a workout.
 I rely heavily on music while I workout. The music is what drives me. I can focus on workout out to the beat, or hitting it hard while the guitarist jams out. I do much better with rock music than I do with R&B. Usually I need this when I need to really push it.
Techno keeps me pumped up, like if Im running.

I guess I need to keep my thoughts in check while Im working out. At least until I am in better shape. I need to be able to stay focused on the workout itself. Going harder, and reaching my goals.

The mind is a powerful thing. I just have to learn how to control it!

My time to shine.

Good Morning Blog Followers!

It has been a LONG TIME since I last blogged. I cant believe I started this thing with such drive and ended up leaving you all hanging. I guess when you take a look at what life hands you, blogging isn't one of the priorities. I'm pretty sure if this was my job I would take it much more seriously. Like, if I had more followers or I was getting paid to talk to people about making changes in their life...then yes, I would blog constantly.

Looks like I'm simply making excuses!

As you all know a new year started. Let me back track a little bit so you can all see where I left off. 2011 was a great fitness year for me. I worked out just about everyday, increased my water intake, went on bike rides, went swimming, did MORE and MORE Zumba. I became a Zumba instructor, I made my goal weight and then WHAM!!!!! I got injured. I pulled the ligaments in my ankle. This injury put me on crutches. No weight on the foot for 6 weeks. Of course I didn't follow the doctors orders and I was back walking on it in 3...This injury, at first, kept me down. It was literally painful to even put a little weight on it.

Then it became an excuse. I was scared to work out, I was used to filling my days with other things. Working out wasn't in my daily routine anymore. And because of that I gained back all the weight I lost last year.

I cant explain to you how disappointed I am in myself. A year of working so hard, changing my life, wearing a bikini!!!! And POOF its gone. I wont go into #'s quite frankly because its simply disgusting.

But I wont look back on that. I'm going to look at today (well...and yesterday) I have committed myself again to reaching those goals. I have the right mentality and I realized yesterday, I have the physical capability.

I started Insanity again. I was able to do really well. I was shocked! Although I fell off the workout wagon I was still able to do a lot more than I thought. My favorite thing about getting in shape is the energy you have and the capability you have. I was able to RUN, SWIM, BIKE RIDE, run around with kids etc...I could last longer in everything.

I have to give a lot of that cardiovascular help credit to Zumba. Unfortunately, I have my lil one home with me...I hate asking people to watch my kids. So I have to find alternatives to working out.

I tracked all my food and workouts yesterday. I'm using an App called Noom. So far, I like it. It gives you a personal trainer coach who gives you different goals to achieve everyday.

I burned 2150 in calories and I ate 1050 in calories. Of course eating is still my ultimate challenge.

I love to workout...But I also LOVE to eat. This is why my weight loss always takes longer than most. :/ But, I'm working on that.

Once I get myself established in Insanity again I'm going to check out the cross fit gym across the street from the base. I want to step in there with some sort of physical confidence...I know what it will take for me to return. I love a challenge and I love to push myself to the limits. Cross fit will be exactly what I need.

Remember to take your Multi Vitamins, DRINK YOU WATER, and Push yourself!!!! Believe that you can go further! Don't let your mind tell your body what to do!!

Happy Workouts, Blog Followers!

I'm a Loser!

In so many great ways I am a loser!!!! I am finally losing weight! the inches coming off were great but the scale is moving.
I have been trying different workouts, keeping busy, remembering my vitamins, drinking more water and just enjoying the nice weather. There really never is a dull moment in my life and I like it that way.

I wanted to talk to you guys for a second about pushing yourself. No one can do it for you. Sure people can motivate you. but you have to find the will in YOURself to want to push yourself.

A lot of us find it harder to lose weight now that we arent youngens anymore. Its just a proven fact. The older we get the harder it is to lose weight. There is not a day you can simply say- "Im just goin to walk today" If your goal is to lose weight you truly have to dig deeper and find what is going to push you. Do you want to live longer for you kids? Turn on your spouse? Fit into that summer bikini? Get off meds?? You have to find what drives you and go for it. I have always tried to be motivation to my friends and fellow workout partners, I do my best. but I cant do the workout for them. I cant get them to get moving. They need to find their drive FIRSt and then join me. You cant think of it as a chore. You have to enjoy yourself. You have to LOVE what you do and want to do more. I try new things all the time in workouts. I let nothing scare me in fitness. I love trying it all. If I dont like it, I try something else.
Shaun T has a new workout...Asylum. I am waiting for the right moment to purchase it (when I have money) and i will be attempting another Insanity type workout. I want to challenge myself everyday. I want to know what I am capable of.

I dont really worry about the scale anymore. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I know I am doing SOMETHING and I know I am doing my best and giving it my all-that is a moment to have people!!! Trust me. When you can look in the mirror and you can look back at yourself and say WOW I achieved greatness today...You have reached your goal.

I will be 30 this year. It takes 10 times more work to achieve my goals. But I dont quit because I didnt reach them, I try harder. I refuse to let myself go. I refuse to give in.

Attitude is everything. So what if you slip up and eat some cookies or drink a Coke...WHO CARES! As long as you get right back up and do something to earn that treat. You cant keep digging yourself a deeper hole and expect to jump right back out.

You got yourself to a place you didnt want to be over time. Its going to be time before you can get back there again. but YOU have to start. YOU have to do the work and YOU have to WANT it!!!!

I hope this blog got into some of your heads. Please feel free to share my blog with others. I want to help you in the best way I know how..

xoxo
Channy

I am a Horrible Blogger.

I have come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I will never be taller, I will never have perfect teeth, I will always have laundry and I will always be a mom. One thing I KNOW I can change is my inability to stay on top of my blog.

It's such an easy task...unfortunately I havent quite figured out how to incorporate it into my everyday events...BUT I WILL!!!

So I suppose I need to start from scratch with my followers. Or maybe not! A lot of you see me on FB and see my crazy amounts of status updates with Zumba involved. Its my new obsession. I go in waves. I obsessed over Kickboxing, Spinning, Step, Insanity, P90X, and now its Zumba.
Now, for those of you who have not tried a class...DO IT! It is such an amazing time! It's fun and it works! I burn between 650-1000 calories each workout.
Yesterday I did another Zumbathon. 2 hours of non-stop Zumba and I burned 1,555 calories! Which assisted me in dropping another pound.

I stuck with the same instructor so I was able to learn all the moves. Now that I know the moves I am able to work harder on holding in my abs, doing perfect squats, giving it my all.
I have become quite the source of motivation in that class and I often get asked "Are you an instructor"

I will be.

I have also been doing Kettlebell workouts. This is fun!!!! You can actually feel your muscles working in this workout. Its not long, (20 minutes) and you get to sweating about 3 minutes into the workout. I suggest giving it a try. I will let you know the results when I get to the 6th week. I havent been doing it steady like my husband only because I attend zumba and Powerflex (weight training) at the gym. So the days I do Kettlebell are my off days from the gym. But its definitely great!!

A few things I need to improve on in my daily life: remembering my vitamins. I really need to feed my body after these insane workouts and obviously before. I have to figure out a way to remember.

Walking more. I know I spend a lot of my days working out. Unfortunately I still feel the need to walk. There is nothing like a nice walk for your evening workout. Especially after dinner. You have to get your metabolism pumping so you can burn more calories while you are sleeping. I started the evening walks when I got my pup Roscoe, but once we got the new pup and the weather was cold. I stopped. Poor puppy! :( and I KNOW I need to do it.

Smoking. This is the hardest. I know I need to quit. But the problem is, I dont feel ready. I imagine how much harder I would be able to workout if I didnt smoke. I am already busting out my workouts but imagine how much stronger, faster and farther I could go if I didnt smoke. I guess I have to figure that one out...

so I wanted to apologize to my fellow fitness fanatics for not staying on top of this blog. I know I said I would be here for you for questions, concerns and motivation!!! I am going to try harder!!!!

Remember: I am here for you! Tell me, what was your workout like today? What do you want to accomplish? Do you have any questions??

It was a Double Whammy...

No whammies! No Whammies! No Whammies! STOP!!!! That was me today at the gym. I thought at any moment my body was going to collapse onto the ground.
Monday was an off day. We went to the waterpark on Sunday, so Monday we were still exhausted, hubby didnt feel well, and I just followed his lead. We only had our one day off (saturday) and it should have been two...so I was okay with it.

Tuesday-we did our run. 2.16 Miles in 24 minutes for me. I did another 12 minute mile,. I wasnt impressed in the least. I wanted to shave at least a minute off for this week, but it didnt happen. I did the run/walk workout that I have on my Podcasts. Its 1 minute of running and 1 minute of walking. It teaches you so much about running. You learn how to control your breathing, control steps, go faster, harder etc..It really helps me considering I have NEVER been a runner.

Once we finished with that I got started on Insanity. I really just picked Plyometrics to keep things in the same order. I pushed myself as hard as I could and still couldnt push hard enough. I started to get frustrated, but realized that I just did my run so my body was screaming for me to stop. I still killed it.
Some of the time, I took my headphones off to listen to ShaunT (the instructor) sometimes hearing him tell me to push it, I can do it etc...he truly is a motivator..and sexy as hell too.
I got through it, and felt great.

Today-we had to lift 2 days worth because we took Monday off. We did Chest,Back, Legs, Shoulders. I was KILLING IT!!! I had a knot in my quad and couldnt get rid of it. So while I was doing my squats I was scared. But I kept massaging my quad, and go through the sets.
Aside from that hiccup, I was really proud of myself. I increased my weights from last week, got through more sets.
My goal for bench press is getting to 45's. Today I did 25#s and I made it to my six. the first set i did with 25s I made it to 4 and really pushed myself to get my 6. So I know if I keep at this rate, I will be able to get to my 45's.

After all our sets at the gym we set off to the Pool. Swam some good laps, did some leg exercises in the water, and got some good cardio in.

How did you improve on your water intake?

I wanted to make sure all of you were incorporating weightlifting with your cardio?
This is very important. Im not saying get "cock diesel" but lifting weights is going to drop body fat. Muscle burns more calories than fat. Prevents injuries, and build your strength. This will give you the ability to run further, do more cardio and feel better.
So just say you will consider it. It will truly be beneficial to your getting in shape, maintaining, losing etc...whatever you may be trying to do...lifting weights will assist.

What did you do today?

For your workout today...What did you do?

Did you push yourself?

Did you stay hydrated?

Did you eat right?

What more do you think you could do?

The rest of Thursday

After I posted my blog yesterday, I still had to do Pure Cardio. This is a non stop-no break workout. After I did legs on Wednesday, ran and then ran again on Thursday my legs were KILLING ME!
My body was definitely out of whack and made it hard for me to get through with no breaks. But I pushed myself to my limits.
I did every circuit until my legs just wouldnt move. I only stopped for a second and got right back into it.
If my legs werent hurting so much from the lifting day, I would have been fine.
So after a hard struggling workout. I made it through. absolutely soaked to the bone.
I was exhausted yesterday. Running in 95 degree (plus) heat is a killer. But I definitely feel like my body is being cleansed after those runs. If I am inside running on a treadmill, I feel tight. When I run outside I feel like I am running towards something, I can really stretch out and really get a good workout.

So today is back and biceps. Plus Plyo. and a 2 mile run. My only goal for todays run is to take some time off of yesterdays run. I know I can do it.

Plyo will still be rough because my legs still feel like blocks of concrete dragging across the floor. But I have to get through it.

What is your workout plan for today?

Aside from the workout I wanted to talk about WATER.
All the other times I have worked out, I have had a bottle of water with me, sipping away. Now that I live in a place where its HOT I have to really keep the water in me.
I have 32 oz gatorade bottles that I refill with water. During my Insanity I drink one of those. When Im done with workout I drink another. After my run, I drink another one. While lifting I sip on one and on the drive home I drink the rest.
Throughout the day I drink an average of 2 more. Now, If we add this up its 192 Ounces of water. But we have to incorporate the amount of sweat that i have during each workout.

I know a lot of people stress the importance of water, but there is a REASON for that. You are going to have better, longer, stronger workouts. You are going to be able to get over that hump you usually cant, your muscles will feel better, your weight will come off easier, and you will overall feel better.

If you get bored with water-SUCK IT UP! I really want you guys to focus on drinking that water before, during and after your workouts. You can have something different later in the day-but while you are working out I want you to focus on drinking down that water.

Any Questions today???

Its a Long, Painful yet Rewarding Journey

Weight Loss, Fitness, Healthy Eating and making goals is a BITCH.
We all know how much hard work it takes to reach our fitness goals. Whether we want to be healthier, fit in that bikini, wear our high school jeans, or just feel better about ourselves we are tempted, side tracked, and distracted from those goals.
What Im going to do for this blog now is track what my fitness goals are, what I do to reach them, and even post my experiences.
I would love if you are interested in taking this journey with me, for you to post to this blog. You can post your goals, what you accomplished that day or even ask questions. We can be each others support.
Now, those who know me will understand that I tend to be BLUNT. I dont sugar coat much. So if you are looking for sympathy or try making excuses as to why you didnt workout or what have you, you are posting on the wrong blog.
I will do whatever I can to answer questions, be supportive and give you the motivation you need to get your workout done for the day.

I started my workout routine again on Monday. In assisting my husband in preparing for "if" he makes chief.

We are doing INSANITY. It is the beach body workout made for warriors!!!! I say this because I have done SO MANY videos and NONE of them compare to the exhausting, powerful, body bending workout this is.

So Monday was Plyo, at the gym we did chest and triceps, and then went for a bit of a walk.
Tuesday- Cardio Circuit, Pool, run/walk
Wednesday-Legs, Cardio recovery, run/walk 2 miles.
Thursday- Pure cardio, run/walk 2 miles.
Friday will be Plyo again, 2 miles run/walk and biceps/back (gym)

Its been a pretty successful week for me. Even though I have been working out on and off since we got here in January, the scale hasnt moved. I have lost inches, and obviously feel in better shape, but the scale wasnt cooperating, I am happy to say this week I lost 2 pounds.

My run was rough today, but I know that continually running will only improve my times, my strength and my agility. So I will be running everyday (minus Sundays)

So, I want to know...what are your goals? What are you doing to reach them? Do you have any questions??

My Ultimate Goal: 135 Pounds
Tone and definition in my arms,legs, and abs.
(we can get more detailed later)

first thing as I wake...

I think of my coffee brewing.....

What about you?

We know about each other.

I havent blogged lately.
I have been extremely engaged in my life.
And by that I mean...Working out, school, the kids and the house.
Its probably going to be like this for awhile.
I have a lot going on....that I find myself not being able to blog because of it.
There are things going on that I need to figure out.
And I need to break free from.
Be back after a bit guys......

She used to wear her heart on her sleeve.

This photo is actually from our visit to Ohio.. The first night we were there, I asked Chelsea if we could borrow RockBand. It really is the best game ever. Unfortunately all my brothers and my kids are drum hogs so I had to sing.
My dads mouth is open because when he walked in the door I wanted to sing one of his favorite songs from when I was growing up. Its a song from Epic. I was completely messing around and trying to make him laugh and smile. I always had a way of doing that to my family.
The time in Ohio was perfect. I really find myself settling in a bit too comfortably. Its really the one place where I completely free myself of everything and just relax. There were a few moments of course where angry Channon came out. But it was just me being a B****. My dad said to me "Why dont you smile, just smile for me you are so much prettier when you smile and you are so much fun to be around"
I really need to take my dads advice. I have become such an angry, bitter person. I dont exactly know what happened. I find myself getting worse and worse. Its almost like I have no control over my emotions. Like I have to force myself to act a certain way. Im robotic. If something is funny I have to force myself to laugh. If something is amazing I have to force myself to put on that surprised face. Again, I dont know what happened. Most of the people who have known me from childhood to about 3 years ago know me as what kind of person? Funny, happy, outgoing, caring etc.....But if I met someone now, they would probably say I was angry, discouraged, negative and introverted.
J asked me if I wanted to go somewhere for the superbowl. i found myself quickly responding with WHY? We have a tv right here. He asked if I wanted to socialize and when I was going to make friends...I told him Im not! I have enough to do everyday, I dont need friends in the middle of all of it.
Now, I start to think its because of this huge transition to Florida. But, its not. i have been like this for quite sometime.
Even my dad noticed in the tone of my voice.
Could it be the negative hell I went through during my divorce. Could some of the things the ex said to me, implanted into my brain subconsciously?
J is great to me. We have awesome kids. We have a lot of fun. But everytime, the wrong emotion comes out of me. Why cant I control my emotions?
i havent cried in quite some time...I just dont. Again, the wrong emotion comes out and it causes more harm than good.
I have to ask myself if I need a professional opinion....maybe there is a screw loose? But, why would I need a doctor help me express my emotions properly?
I wake up each day and tell myself that Im going to make today a new day. Im going to be the Channon that everyone knew.
But each day is a harder struggle than the last. I feel myself failing more and more each day. The goal gets further away.
Even J says " I want the OLD Channon back. The one I met in 2000, the one I started hanging with in 2007, the one I married"
What happened to me?
I have to tell myself I will get through this......everyday that passes is another day closer to losing my husband. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and that wall is pissing me off. No matter what I do....the wall makes me angry.
I need to break down the wall. but I dont even know how to start!

and I do this...too!

Being a stay at home mom right now, I find myself being extremely Obsessive compulsive.
In order for me to workout, do my homework, run errands or shower I have to make sure the house is clean or my brain doesnt function properly. So you can imagine the amount of hours it takes me to workout, homework, run errands and shower...I have to make sure my cleaning is done before that.
I spend a lot of days pushing myself to where I have had enough. When I finally crawl into bed at night. I turn the tv and 5 minutes later I shut it off. I am down for the count. I guess thats a good thing simply because sleep is VERY important and i have had enough sleep problems over the past few years...that this is nice.
The downfall is, I wake up every morning completely burnet out, exhausted and not wanting to get out of bed. But, I do! And once Im up...thats it. I do not crawl back into bed.
I get up, get my cup of joe. Wake the kids up, make their breakfast. Have my morning chat with them, turn on the news, make sure the kids cross the street okay to catch the bus. Clean up. start a load of laundry.
Then I get on my computer. Check emails, postings open up school work. and mess around for about an hour. Change laundry to dryer.
I workout for about 2 hours. have my recovery drink. Chat a little with the husband, we shower, run errands eat lunch. I clean up and do laundry.
I do my floors and windows then sit down to really hammer on school work. I do work with Xoey and we read together.
I wait for the kids to get home from school and we start their homework. Dont ever underestimate the homework of 3 school age kids!!! It takes us HOURS.
The kids go play, I rally up some more school work, I start dinner, walk the dogs, clean the bathrooms. Hubby comes home for dinner, we eat then I clean....
I do my facebook thing, play some games and read once more to the kids. They take a shower, I watch a show or two.
Then its time for bed.
This is just an average day.
Im tired. but I love that I have a reason to be tired. I love what I do everyday.

Today she is just a Plain Jane

I wanted to post something simple, plain and boring. I wanted to show ME after a crazy morning.
Right now I am in the middle. I am growing my hair out, working on getting back into shape, waiting for the sun to come out to get a tan.
I am okay with being in the middle right now because I know by June I will be on top!!!!
This blog isnt going to be much except for a leap in the right direction.
Just me showing all of you the plain in me.
but please do not think this is a bad thing. I just have myself a certain way most of the time...in shape, awesome hair and killer tan...and I dont have any of that right now...but its not bothering me. I know Im doing what I have to in order to get there.

I will post more pictures as time goes by..the progress of the hair growing out, the getting back in shape and the tan skin :)
But for now...lets just keep it simple!

What's in that Ocean Air?

When we first arrived in Jacksonville we waited for one of the "better" days to check out the beach. Florida wasnt what we thought (the kids and I) it was going to be. We thought it was going to be hot, sunny, beach ready. But its actually like a lot of other places they seem to put military bases..Cold, rainy, cloudy, random days of sunshine, hot, humid..pretty random winter.
The temperature was supposed to get up to mid 70s that day so we headed out. We didnt really have a plan. Just find a beach so kids could see it.
They were apprehensive at first. They walked with us, didnt venture out too far...but once they got the feel of the ocean air and saw the opportunities around them they were off like that very first flock of seagulls that they encountered.
Digging their toes in the sand, finding seashells, digging a hole in the sand right by the edge of the water just to watch it fill up. they put their feet in the water and I could almost hear their heartbeats pounding from the fear and excitement. The waves were a bit choppy so to a 3 year old....that wave was HUGE.
I had my Camera and wanted to really focus on improving my skills in a few areas but with the kids running around, and DH pointing out so many things...I decided to shoot what I could.
I always find myself in a different frame of mind when Im at a beach. The air, the calm, the feeling it brings to my soul.
Its a really wondeful place. DH was confused and getting a little aggrivated that I wasnt smiling and running around. All I could do was breath in and sigh. I found a bit of peace at the beach that day and I wasnt going to let anyone ruin it or distract me.