first thing as I wake...

I think of my coffee brewing.....

What about you?

We know about each other.

I havent blogged lately.
I have been extremely engaged in my life.
And by that I mean...Working out, school, the kids and the house.
Its probably going to be like this for awhile.
I have a lot going on....that I find myself not being able to blog because of it.
There are things going on that I need to figure out.
And I need to break free from.
Be back after a bit guys......

She used to wear her heart on her sleeve.

This photo is actually from our visit to Ohio.. The first night we were there, I asked Chelsea if we could borrow RockBand. It really is the best game ever. Unfortunately all my brothers and my kids are drum hogs so I had to sing.
My dads mouth is open because when he walked in the door I wanted to sing one of his favorite songs from when I was growing up. Its a song from Epic. I was completely messing around and trying to make him laugh and smile. I always had a way of doing that to my family.
The time in Ohio was perfect. I really find myself settling in a bit too comfortably. Its really the one place where I completely free myself of everything and just relax. There were a few moments of course where angry Channon came out. But it was just me being a B****. My dad said to me "Why dont you smile, just smile for me you are so much prettier when you smile and you are so much fun to be around"
I really need to take my dads advice. I have become such an angry, bitter person. I dont exactly know what happened. I find myself getting worse and worse. Its almost like I have no control over my emotions. Like I have to force myself to act a certain way. Im robotic. If something is funny I have to force myself to laugh. If something is amazing I have to force myself to put on that surprised face. Again, I dont know what happened. Most of the people who have known me from childhood to about 3 years ago know me as what kind of person? Funny, happy, outgoing, caring etc.....But if I met someone now, they would probably say I was angry, discouraged, negative and introverted.
J asked me if I wanted to go somewhere for the superbowl. i found myself quickly responding with WHY? We have a tv right here. He asked if I wanted to socialize and when I was going to make friends...I told him Im not! I have enough to do everyday, I dont need friends in the middle of all of it.
Now, I start to think its because of this huge transition to Florida. But, its not. i have been like this for quite sometime.
Even my dad noticed in the tone of my voice.
Could it be the negative hell I went through during my divorce. Could some of the things the ex said to me, implanted into my brain subconsciously?
J is great to me. We have awesome kids. We have a lot of fun. But everytime, the wrong emotion comes out of me. Why cant I control my emotions?
i havent cried in quite some time...I just dont. Again, the wrong emotion comes out and it causes more harm than good.
I have to ask myself if I need a professional opinion....maybe there is a screw loose? But, why would I need a doctor help me express my emotions properly?
I wake up each day and tell myself that Im going to make today a new day. Im going to be the Channon that everyone knew.
But each day is a harder struggle than the last. I feel myself failing more and more each day. The goal gets further away.
Even J says " I want the OLD Channon back. The one I met in 2000, the one I started hanging with in 2007, the one I married"
What happened to me?
I have to tell myself I will get through this......everyday that passes is another day closer to losing my husband. I feel like I have hit a brick wall and that wall is pissing me off. No matter what I do....the wall makes me angry.
I need to break down the wall. but I dont even know how to start!

and I do this...too!

Being a stay at home mom right now, I find myself being extremely Obsessive compulsive.
In order for me to workout, do my homework, run errands or shower I have to make sure the house is clean or my brain doesnt function properly. So you can imagine the amount of hours it takes me to workout, homework, run errands and shower...I have to make sure my cleaning is done before that.
I spend a lot of days pushing myself to where I have had enough. When I finally crawl into bed at night. I turn the tv and 5 minutes later I shut it off. I am down for the count. I guess thats a good thing simply because sleep is VERY important and i have had enough sleep problems over the past few years...that this is nice.
The downfall is, I wake up every morning completely burnet out, exhausted and not wanting to get out of bed. But, I do! And once Im up...thats it. I do not crawl back into bed.
I get up, get my cup of joe. Wake the kids up, make their breakfast. Have my morning chat with them, turn on the news, make sure the kids cross the street okay to catch the bus. Clean up. start a load of laundry.
Then I get on my computer. Check emails, postings open up school work. and mess around for about an hour. Change laundry to dryer.
I workout for about 2 hours. have my recovery drink. Chat a little with the husband, we shower, run errands eat lunch. I clean up and do laundry.
I do my floors and windows then sit down to really hammer on school work. I do work with Xoey and we read together.
I wait for the kids to get home from school and we start their homework. Dont ever underestimate the homework of 3 school age kids!!! It takes us HOURS.
The kids go play, I rally up some more school work, I start dinner, walk the dogs, clean the bathrooms. Hubby comes home for dinner, we eat then I clean....
I do my facebook thing, play some games and read once more to the kids. They take a shower, I watch a show or two.
Then its time for bed.
This is just an average day.
Im tired. but I love that I have a reason to be tired. I love what I do everyday.

Today she is just a Plain Jane

I wanted to post something simple, plain and boring. I wanted to show ME after a crazy morning.
Right now I am in the middle. I am growing my hair out, working on getting back into shape, waiting for the sun to come out to get a tan.
I am okay with being in the middle right now because I know by June I will be on top!!!!
This blog isnt going to be much except for a leap in the right direction.
Just me showing all of you the plain in me.
but please do not think this is a bad thing. I just have myself a certain way most of the time...in shape, awesome hair and killer tan...and I dont have any of that right now...but its not bothering me. I know Im doing what I have to in order to get there.

I will post more pictures as time goes by..the progress of the hair growing out, the getting back in shape and the tan skin :)
But for now...lets just keep it simple!

What's in that Ocean Air?

When we first arrived in Jacksonville we waited for one of the "better" days to check out the beach. Florida wasnt what we thought (the kids and I) it was going to be. We thought it was going to be hot, sunny, beach ready. But its actually like a lot of other places they seem to put military bases..Cold, rainy, cloudy, random days of sunshine, hot, humid..pretty random winter.
The temperature was supposed to get up to mid 70s that day so we headed out. We didnt really have a plan. Just find a beach so kids could see it.
They were apprehensive at first. They walked with us, didnt venture out too far...but once they got the feel of the ocean air and saw the opportunities around them they were off like that very first flock of seagulls that they encountered.
Digging their toes in the sand, finding seashells, digging a hole in the sand right by the edge of the water just to watch it fill up. they put their feet in the water and I could almost hear their heartbeats pounding from the fear and excitement. The waves were a bit choppy so to a 3 year old....that wave was HUGE.
I had my Camera and wanted to really focus on improving my skills in a few areas but with the kids running around, and DH pointing out so many things...I decided to shoot what I could.
I always find myself in a different frame of mind when Im at a beach. The air, the calm, the feeling it brings to my soul.
Its a really wondeful place. DH was confused and getting a little aggrivated that I wasnt smiling and running around. All I could do was breath in and sigh. I found a bit of peace at the beach that day and I wasnt going to let anyone ruin it or distract me.

It's just because I have time

As if I didnt have enough to do during the day. I decided that besides working out. I needed to have something else to focus on. A drive, a direction, a force to keep me going.
I keep looking around at all the different photo websites directed by my friends and they truly are a part of my everyday.
Well, I want to be a part of someones everyday. Even if its constructive criticism. If its a helping hand or just a way to relate to someone.

Moving to Florida has caused a few changes for me..and Im trying to figure out if they were good or bad.
But while I work on that. You work on checking out these pictures of my Grand Canyon Experience.